Bakit S ang damit ni superman

 

Bakery

Marriage quotes from famous people

 "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Lee Majors 

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." - Al Gore 

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

"Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them." - Mike Tyson

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?'" - George Clooney

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." - Bill Clinton

 "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." - George W. Bush

 "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Rudy Giuliani 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - Michael Jordan

 "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. The third gave me more children!' - Donald Trump

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up." - Shaquille O’Neal

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. "- Kobe Bryant

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. "- David Hasselhoff

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Alec Baldwin 

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Barack Obama

"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." - Tommy Lee 

"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted.' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'" - Brad Pitt

"First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'" - By Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” - David Letterman

"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife" - Brandon Breezy

Japan Time check

Japan time check - http://www.avtokei.jp/
Now I know that japan is 1 hr ahead of the philippines

(share) Joke time - laugh trip

taken from NGboards 
on out off-topic section. galing kay allisonlim
yung YAYA sa baba galing sa email.
tawa ako ng tawa habang binabasa to. share ko lang
Host : Saan ang dream vacation mo?
Girl Contestant : Amangpulo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What's your ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Uhm, uhm, I am not sure....
Host : Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.
Girl : Uhmm... more. (Crowd booing... ) Sige, Sige. Less, less....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines ? Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces. (Banawe Kaya Yon!!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The contestant, presenting herself, talks into the mic and says, "Hi! I'm Cristine Reyes from Bagiuo...," and then she turns around, walks a little, goes back then yells at the top of her lungs! Then shouts, "CITYYYYYYYY!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(From Little Miss Philippines)
Host : Anong gusto mo pag-laki mo?
Girl : Maging lalaki po!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : Who's your favorite author?
Contestant : Danielle Steele
Host : Why Danielle Steele?
Contestant : Because, because...Danielle Steele, I like best.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : How would you like me to address you?
Contestant : My address is Project 8, Quezon City.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is your best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : So tell us, why did join this contest?
Contestant : Me, join this contest, why did I. Thank you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What do you want to be after you graduate?
Contestant : I want to be a successful Medicine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?
Contestant : BRA!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contestant : If others can't why, why can't I!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(From gay beauty contest)
Host : What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?
Gay contestant : (Stops, thinks and then smiles.) EGGPLANT PO!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(From gay contest)
Host : Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
Gay Contestant : I think and believe na bilang isang bading......ano nga po ulit yung question?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : Which part of your body is your best asset?
Contestant : (Believe it or not she answered) Si Melanie Marquez po!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is your favorite motto?
Contestant : (After a long pause) I don't have a motto eh. (So the crowd starts helping her out. The crowd starts saying "Time is gold! Time is gold!")
Contestant : I have na po. Chinese gold!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"
Contestant : That's a very good question. Keep it up. (Then the girl turns and walks away.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : So, you're vegetarian, what is your favorite vegetable?
Contestant : I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what's that? KALABASH?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is your motto?
Contestant : Actor! (Everyone starts laughing.) Aay, actress pala.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : Who is your favorite fictional character?
Girl : JOSE RIZAL! (Crowd starts laughing.)
Host : Who is your favorite hero then?
Girl : Hulk Hogan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?
Girl Contestant : Uhmm... a bumble bee!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : Describe your love one in three words.
Girl : Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
Host : OK, sige!
Girl : In one word, MY LIFE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : If you were given any special power, what would it be?
Girl : Power of Attorney!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : So you like reading, who's your favorite author?
Girl : Uhmm, Shakespeare.
Host : What works of Shakespeare?
Girl : Hindi ko po alam eh.
Host : But he's your favorite.
Girl : Eh kasi patay na sya eh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk?

_______________________________________________
Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, they’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”

Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.” (Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc!”

Inutusan si yaya na bumili ng dyaryo ( inquirer at phil. Star). Pagbalik sabi nya: : “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”

Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”

(Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”

yaya, nabutas ang uniform na pinaplantsa. Tanong ng amo: “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
Yaya: “Secret!”

nanood ng movie…..“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”

Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”


yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”

SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”



Ate: “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”


sa school, tinanong ng teacher c jenjen….: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun. Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?”
biglang singit si yaya: “Parang Watson’s yata…”

Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting!”

Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?”
Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”

(Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya) Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”

Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”

Midget Yaya who was newly hired: “Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”


matapos pagalitan dahil sa pinangako….. “Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”

yaya sa mcdo
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”

AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”

testimony

taken from an email
Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
Question: panu ko 2 uubusin?

The debate

taken from an email
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY.
He asks one of his New Christian Student to stand and . . .

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So you Believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD Good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him.
Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill.
But GOD didn't.
How is this GOD Good then ? Hmm ?

( Student is silent )

Professor : You can't answer, can you ?
Let's start again, Young Fella.
Is GOD Good ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does Satan come from ?
Student : From . . . GOD . . .
Professor : That's right.
Tell me son, is there evil in this World ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ?
And GOD did make Everything. Correct ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil ?

(Student does not answer)

Professor : Is there Sickness ? Immorality ? Hatred ? Ugliness ?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, who Created them ?

( Student has no answer )

Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.
Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD ?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your < style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:85%;color:red;">GOD ?
Student : No , sir.
Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD ?
&nbs! p; Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter ?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist.
What do you say to that, son ?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor : Yes. Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat ?
Professor : Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as Cold ?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.

( The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events )

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.
We cannot Measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

( There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness ?
Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness ?
Student : You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something.
You can have Low Light, Normal Light , Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
! ; But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it ?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you ?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how ?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life : just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor , do you Teach yourStudents that they Evolved from a Monkey ?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir ?

( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor,
are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir ?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher ?

( The Class is in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain ?

( The Class breaks out into Laughter )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelt it ? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that
you have No Brain, sir.
&n! bsp; With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir ?

( The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable )

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student : That is it sir . . .
the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.

ANO ANG DAPAT GAWIN KUNG TINATAMAD KANG MAGTRABAHO ?

taken from an email
Sa buhay empleyado merong dalawang pagpipilian kung tinatamad kang magtrabaho.

A. Una ay umabsent.

1. Kapag umiikot na kaagad sa katawan mo ang katamaran pagkagising pa lang sa umaga ay mag-isip ka na kaagad ng palusot kung bakit ka aabsent. Paalala: dapat ay memoryado mo ang mga dahilang nagamit mo na dati (tip: gumawa ng isang logbook) ng sa gayon ay hindi ka parang sirang plakang nag-uulit lang lagi ng rason ng di pagpasok. Alalahanin na tuso din ang mga bossing.

2. Kapag nakaisip ka na ng magandang dahilan ay agad mag-text o tumawag sa bossing mo, the earlier the better. Kung ayaw mo ng madaming tanong e mag-text ka at kung nais mo namang tumawag ay siguraduhin mong magaling kang umarte kagaya ng kung ikaw ay kunwaring me sakit ay umubo ka ng paunti-unti habang kinakausap ang bossing mo.

3. Matapos mag-text/tumawag ay bumalik sa higaan at magplano ka na ng gusto mong gawin sa buong araw. Malaking posibilidad na magtutulog ka lang buong araw. Sya nga pala, kapag tumawag ang opisina sa kalagitnaan ng araw, laging tandaan ang rasong ginamit (consistent ka dapat), maaari namang i-off mo na lang ang phone mo para hindi ka maistorbo buong araw.

BABALA: Siguraduhing regular ka na sa kumpanyang pinagtratrabahuhan kung ikaw ay mag-aabsent..


B. Pangalawa ay pumasok

Eto ang dapat gawin ng mga empleyado kapag tinatamad magtrabaho pero ayaw umabsent. Ang mga taong ito ay nuknukan ng kapal ng mukha. Ang mga sumusunod na instructions ay napakasimple pero effective. Meron ding oras na nakatakda, magsisismula ng alas ocho ng umaga at magtatapos ng alas singko ng hapon..

1. Pumasok ng sakto sa oras. Huwag kang male-late at huwag ka din namang excited masyado. 8:00

2. Pagdating mo sa opisina ay ilapag mo lang kaagad ang gamit mo sa lamesa at magtungo kaagad sa pantry. Magtimpla ng kape o kung anuman ang iniinom mo pag umaga. Habang nasa loob ay makipag-usap sa mga tao doon, patagalin mo ang usapan (tip: pag-usapan ang mga headline ngayong araw o mga nangyari kahapon sa loob ng opisina). Kung walang tao sa pantry ay mag-yaya ka ng kasama bago pa man pumasok doon. 8:00-8:30

3. Matapos sa pantry ay magtungo na sa lamesa mo dala-dala pa din ang kape, ito ay para hindi ka antukin buong araw. Buksan ang computer. Matapos nito ay buksan ang mailbox mo. Basahin ang mga email…mapabago man o luma. Buksan lahat ng pedeng buksang attachments, makakabuti ito sa pagpapatagal ng oras. O kaya naman ay mag-email ka sa mga kakilala mong matagal mo ng di nakakamusta. Kapag di ka pa nakuntento ay gawing chat ang email (ito ay sa kadahilanang banned na ang halos lahat ng messengers sa mga kompanya…pati google talk di pinalagpas, mga hayop na IT yan). Pano? Mag-email ka sa kakilala mong alam mong merong access sa internet sa mga oras na yon tapos antayin ang reply…wholla! Instant chat session. Sya nga pala, habang ginagawa ang mga nasa taas ay huwag makakalimot inumin ang kape..lalamig ito. 8:30-9:30

3. Matapos ang makabuluhag paggamit ng computer ay magdala ng mga papel-papel at magtungo sa kung saan mo man nais. Mas maganda kung mukha kang aborido hawak ang mga props mo habang papaalis ng lamesa, ito ay para sabihin ng bossing mo sampu ng kasamahan mo sa trabaho na busy ka lagi. Magtungo sa ibang department na me kakilala at makipag-usap ng kung anu-ano. 9:30-10:00

4. Tignan mo nga naman. Alas dies na! Break time na ulit! Pagkatapos mag-lamyerda sa ibang department ay magtungo ulit sa puwesto at ibaba ang mga scratch paper na props. Dalhin ang tasa sa pantry at magtimpla ulit ng panibagong kape, libre ang kape kaya magtimpla ka lang ng magtimpla. Magtungo sa labas kung ikaw ay nag-yoyosi kung di naman ay manatili sa pantry at makipag-usap ka na lang sa mga tao doon. 10:00-10:15

5. Pagkatapos ng break ay bumalik sa lamesa at humarap sa computer (huwag ng magdala ng kape sa lamesa…tama na ang nainom mo, sisikmurain ka na sa sobrang gahaman). Tapos ka na sa mga emails mo, ngayon naman ay mag-internet ka na lang ng kung anik-anik. Pero bago mag-internet ay magbukas ka muna ng office document kahit wala kang balak gawin ang mga ito, makakatulong ang documentong ito mamya. Tapos ay mag-internet ka na. Paalala: dapat ay alerto ka sa mga tao sa paligid mo, kapag alam mong me padating pindutin ang ALT at TAB ng sabay. Ito ay para makapunta sa office document na binuksan mo kanina. Kung mabagal ang iyong reflexes ay dapat mabilis ka sa paggamit ng mouse para ma-click mo agad sa taskbar ung documentong nasabi. Kapag na-master mo na ang technique na ito ay di na mapapansin ng bossing mo na nag-iinternet ka lang sa mga oras na ito. 10:15-12:00

6. Tama na muna ang computer. Lunch break na! Alam mo na ang dapat gawin. 12:00-1:00

7. Pagkatapos kumain ay gawin ulit ang #5. Habang gingawa ito ay maglabas ulit ng mga scratch papers na para bang me hinahanap. Tandaan na dapat seryoso ang mukha mo habang gingawa ang mga ito (tip: ikunot ang noo para makakuha ng mukhang seryoso). 1:00-3:00

8. Break time na ulit. Ang bilis nga naman ng oras. Hala..punta na ulit sa pantry. Maaari ka na ulit mag-kape at makipag-chikahan. 3:00-3:15

9. Bumalik sa lamesa at guluhin ito sa pamamagitan ng paglabas ng sandamakmak na mga papel. Tapos ay gawin ulit and #5. Tignan ang oras sa computer mo. Kung 4:30 na ay simulan mo ng ayusin ang ginulong lamesa. Mag-ayos ayos ka na din ng sarili. Kung kasing kapal ng adobe ang mukha mo ay magtungo ka ulit sa pantry para mag-kape (tandaan na dapat me kasama sa pantry) o kaya naman ay gawin ang #3. Matapos ang lahat ng ito ay umuwi ka na, para mo ng awa…wala ka na ngang silbi ay nangdadamay ka pa ng iba sa katamaran mo. 3:15-5:00

BABALA: Wag mong ipapabasa ito sa bossing mo kung ayaw mong mawalan ka ng trabaho.

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS part 3

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS part 2

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS

Part 1:

another news fail, killing again our president - lolz -

understanding men and women ~ read and learn

taken from an email
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.

OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

UNDERSTANDING MEN


"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a
real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

News FAIL

i think this one's from Manila Bulletin,
nice caption though ^_^ 

RESEARCH FINDINGS ON MEN AND WOMEN

edit : taken from Nuetralgrounds.net/forums
source need an account to log in
1. Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in
general intelligence than men, although their brain
size is smaller.

2. Women are walking radar detectors, that is why men
have difficulty lying to women. Their brains have the
ability to integrate and decipher verbal,visual and
other signals of body language. Hence women will
always be safe when faking an orgasm.

3. Women want lots of sex with the men they love. Men
just want lots of sex.

4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch of
voice. Women will raise theirs.

5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them
silently. As a result, men think women talk too much
and are nags.

6. Women talk about their problems as a way of
relieving stress. They want to be heard, not fixed by
being offered advice and solutions

7. Speech and words are not a specific brain skill for
men. They find it hard to express themselves. That's
why they often choose greeting cards with plenty of
words inside. That way, there's less space for them to
write.

8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy with
what he can provide,but because they are emotionally
unfulfilled

9. Women use an average of 20,000 communication words,
sounds, and gestures a day. Men only use about 7,000.

10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes
you. But if she's not talking, you're in trouble.

11. Men are more thick-skinned than women. Literally.
Which explains why women have more wrinkles than men.
Boys lose their sensitivity to touch by the time they
reach puberty. So where does all that sensitivity go?
It all goes to just one area.

12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she
can't concentrate on her work. If a man is unhappy at
work, he can't focus on his relationship.

13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When they
stop their car to read a street directory, they have
to turn down the radio. Women's brain are configured
for multi-tasking performance. They can talk on the
phone, watch the TV and cook at the same time.

14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20 minutes
of clothes shopping.

15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men
need a place.

16. 15% to 20% of men have feminized brains. About 10%
of women have masculinised brains. So there are more
gays than lesbians in the world.

17. Most women prefer sex with the lights off because
they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men
like the lights on - so they can get the woman's name
right

jokes ulet tayo

from NG boards
eto para masaya naman:
•Minsan naglalakad aq, ngiisa. Lumingon ako sa kanan, wala akong nakita. Lumingon ako sa kaliwa, wala rin akong nkita. Kaya ayun. tumawid n ako!

•PEDRO: Miss, pabili nga ng bolpen. MISS: Sorry po sir, wala po kaming bolpen. [Inis na lumabas si Pedro sa tindahan.] PEDRO: My God! Penshoppe walang bolpen!tsk.tsk

•KUBA: Tnukso nila akong kuba! Makapagaral nga ng karate. 5months later. FRIEND: Gling mong magkarate ah. Tinatwag kp rin ba nilang kuba? KUBA: Hindi na, ninja turtle na!

•BITOY: dagul, bakit ang pandak mo? DAGUL: kasi bata pa lang ako ulila na ko. BITOY: Ano kaugnayan nun sa pgiging pandak mo? DAGUL: sira pala ulo mo! Wala nga nagpalaki skin!

Manipesto ng Tunay Na Lalake

taken from zeichen of NG forums:
Manipesto ng Tunay Na Lalake

1. Ang tunay na lalake ay di natutulog.

2. Ang tunay na lalake ay di nagte-text-back, maliban na lang kung papasahan ng load. Gayunpaman, laging malabo ang kanyang mga sagot.

3. Ang tunay na lalake ay laging may extra rice.

4. Ang tunay na lalake ay hindi vegetarian.

5. Ang tunay na lalake ay walang abs.

6. Ang tunay na lalake ay hindi sumasayaw.

7. Ang tunay na lalake ay umaamin ng pagkakamali sa kapwa tunay na lalake.

8. Ang tunay na lalake ay laging may tae sa brief.

9. Ang tunay na lalake ay di naghuhugas ng pinagkainan o nagliligpit ng kanyang mga gamit dahil may babaeng gagawa noon para sa kanya. Mas lalong nagiging tunay ang pagkalalake kung di niya kilala o di niya maalala ang pangalan ng babae.

10. Ang tunay na lalake ay di nagsisimba.

Etiquette sa inuman- basahin at matuto

taken from a random mail:
Etiquette sa inuman- basahin at matuto 
Sa inuman:
1. Pag abot ng baso- 3 minutes ang pinakamatagal na pag hintay. Mag bigay ng konsiderasyon sa mga ibang umiinom- sundin ang gintong kasabihan
"Di bale ng magtagal sa puke @ at suso wag lang sa baso"
2. Pag tapos tumagay - ibalik sa tanggero ang baso- tinagayan ka na, baka naman pedeng ibalik mo sa kanya. hindi ka prinsipe.
3. Ang chaser ay panawid lasa- hindi panawid uhaw. dun ka sa gripo lumaklak kung kakatapos mo lang mag gym.
4. Iwasan ang magtapon ng alak. binabayaran yan. Di ka pa nga ata nag ambag...aaksayahin mo pa..tigas ng mukha mo tlga ever..hehe..
5. Siguraduhing magaambag ka sa inuman- tigas mo naman kung makiki-inom ka ng libre- pede ka lang malibre kung nilibre ka nila o niyaya ka kahit sabi mong wala kang pera 

Sa Pulutan:

1. Una sa lahat, ang pulutan ay panawid pait, hindi panawid gutom- kumain ka sa inyo kung gutom ka. wag kang kung-fu kid! 
2. Pag ginagamit ang tinidor, huwag mong kakamayin- para kang walang pinag aralan.
3. Pagkain ng isda, hindi binabaliktad- sabi nila sa mga marino galing ang istilo na to para hindi tumaob ang barko.
4. Huwag mag reklamo kung ano ang nakahain. tandaan hindi to fiesta, inuman to.
5. Ang tinik,buto at mga parteng hindi makakain ilagay sa tabi- huwag kang baboy.
6. Kung hindi ka tanggero, guitarista at birthday boy/girl- pede kang magluto at tumulong sa iba pang gawain sa inuman. hindi ka pinanganak na senyorito, kung pakiramdam mo hari ka- dun ka sa kaharian mo maginom 

Asal sa Mesa :

1. Kung isa lang ang tinidor, huwag mag inarte- Koboy dapat. inuman to- hindi sosyalan,
2. Sa kuwentuhan, alam na namin na kayo ang pinaka-siga, maraming chicks, mayaman, maporma at pinaka magaling sa lahat ng bagay. Huwag mo ng ikuwento.
3. Pag bisita ka, makitawa sa mga joke nila- makihalubilo, aalukin ka nila ng ilang beses pero huwag mong abusuhin- hindi ka sanggol. 
4. Huwag rin masyadong pasikat- ok lang magkuwento pag dayo ka- huwag ka lang kupal.
5. Huwag na huwag mambabara kung bisita ka. Pede lang mambara kung kupal ang binara.
6. Irespeto ang opinyon ng iba, tulad ng pagrespeto mo sayo. 
7. Pag hindi na kaya- pwedeng pumas- huwag maging pasikat - kupal ang dating mo non.
8. Magpatawa ka para masaya- kung mang aasar ka sa tropa sigraduhin nakakatawa, hindi panlalait. Konsiderasyon sa bisita. 
Ang pagiging siga ay hindi masaya sa inuman.
9. Huwag makipag sabayan. Buraot ang alagaing lasing.
10. Bigyan ng pugay ang nagpainom at may birthday - wag kang agaw eksena.
11. Goodtimes lagi.

After ng Inuman:

1. Ugaliing tumulong magligpit.
2. Kung di na kaya humiga sa isang tabi
3. Kung di tumutulong magligpit - huwag makulit.
4. Huwag kalimutan magpaalam sa nag painom at mga kainuman. 
5. Kung aalis sa kalagitnaan ng inuman, gawing habit ang magiwan ng pangambag.

Suka Tips:

1. Pag naduduwal na, kumuha ng matamis para may pangsabay sa bibig pag naglalaway na.
2. Huwag magyoyosi pagnasusuka na, iba ang epekto ng usok sa tyan pag nakainom.
3. Pag nakakaramdam na ng suka, tumayo agad at dumiretso sa pinakamalapit na sukahan- (banyo, inodoro.)
4. Magmumog lagi pagkatapos sumuka- kadiri bibig mo brad.
5. At kung plano pang bumalik sa mesa- siguraduhing malinis ang itsura. Para di ka itaboy.

Tanggero Tips:

1. Bilang punong naatasan sa pag pasa ng tagay, siguraduhing kumpleto ka ng gamit tulad ng:
tabo ng tubig (pangbanlaw ng baso pag beer ang iniinom) pambukas, at lighter.
2. Ang obligasyon mo ay ipasa ang tagay sa lahat ng manginginom, mga nagambag - alukin ang lahat ng bisita.

Sa Mga Manginginom:

1.Pakunsuwelo sa mga nagpainom at tanggero, alalayan sila tulad ng pag replenish ng yelo, pulutan, pagbili ng pulutan at pagpapalit ng music kung walang naatasang dj.
2. Panatilihing masaya ang inuman, makinig sa sasabihin ng iba kung drama, at mag saya para makalimot sa problema-


Mabuhay ang mga manginginom! !! Inuman na!!! 

PITONG KATOTOHANAN SA MUNDO

taken from an email
Pitong katotohanan sa mundo:







1st, Lahat ng nakikita mo ay hindi iyo.











2nd, Hindi mo kayang bilangin ang buhok mo.















3rd, hindi lahat ng ngipin ay abot ng dila mo.

















4th, Susubukan ng mga tanga ang pangatlo.

















5th, ang pangatlo ay mali ...













6th, Mapapangiti ka kasi nagmukha kang tanga.

















7th, Ipapasa mo sa iba para makaganti ka! hahahaha!!..

heaven and hell

taken from an email
A holy man was having a conversation
with the Lord one day and said.

'Lord, I would like to know what
Heaven and Hell are like.


The Lord led the holy man to two
doors.


He opened one of the doors and the
holy man looked in. In the middle of
the room was a large round table. In
the middle of the table was a large pot
of stew, which smelled delicious and
made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table
were thin and sickly. They appeared to
be famished. They were holding
spoons with very long handles that
were strapped to their arms and each
found it possible to reach into the pot
of stew and take a spoonful.

But because the handle was longer
than their arms, they could not get the
spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight
of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.


They went to the next room and
opened the door. It was ex actly the
same as the first one. There was the
large round table with the large pot of
stew which made the holy man's mouth
water. The people were equipped with
the same long-handled spoons, but here
the people were well nourished and
plump, laughing and talking. The holy
man said, 'I don't understand.'

'It is simple,' said the Lord.

'It requires but one skill. You see
they have learned to feed each
other, while the greedy think only
of themselves.'